January 27th, 2013
Wow, it's been about 7 months since I've last updated. Mostly because I've been incredibly busy lately but also because my laptop shitted out on me a few months ago and I had to buy a new one. Anyway, on August 3rd, 2012 I got hired as a Preschool Teacher at Kare Bears daycare in Cottonwood. :) I've worked there for about 6 months and I feel like I love it but at the same time I fcking hate it. Hahah. No joke, I never ever thought working with 3-4 year olds would be so difficult and physically/emotionally draining. I'm not really sure where that is going, but I sorta wanna stick with it because I just recently got a 25 cent raise and I got a college scholarship through there and Idk there's just a lot of opportunity for me through there. So. Yeah.
I've spent almost every day since October with Lacey. Partly because she also works at Kare Bears and I drive her home every night, but also because she and Dakota broke up. She's been having difficulty with the break up but Danny Ritter (her ex from a few years back) has been there for her and has been a great friend to both of us. Us three pretty much spend every weekend together. It's nice. They're really great friends and I hope to never lose them.
Lately I've been getting REALLY down on myself for being so lonely. I'm just fucking sick of this. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of being pissed off all the time and angry and intimidating and just fucking stupid. I'm so emotional tonight and I just can't figure out why and maybe that's why I decided I needed to somehow vent and let it all out but I just can't stop crying at the moment and I just want to curl up in a ball and be alone forever. At this moment, I feel completely hopeless. I haven't had a boyfriend in almost three years and even THAT relationship was fucking stupid and only lasted barely a week. Before that, it was Zach Snow. FRESHMAN YEAR. Fucking over 5 years ago. Idek why I'm being so vulgar and angry but I'm so sad tonight and I can't figure out why...this is how I've felt for 3 years. Why is it all of a sudden hurting me so badly? Maybe because it's not the fact that I "liked" a guy so mch...but that I was so close to finally having somebody..the HOPE is what killed me. Being so hopeful and just... happy. Wanting it to work out so badly but of course it fucking all up. I repel guys and I loathe myself for it. I'm disgusting. And I shouldn't have to want to change who I am to get someone to like me... I'm just so lost. I don't know what to do. I hate my job, half the time I'm unhappy with my friendships, my car is taking a SHIT on me, I'm fucking ALONE, I fight with my family all the time.... where is the positive? WHERE? Because I can't fucking find any. Yeah, I'm alive. And yes my family is alive and healthy and that is wonderful and I am so lucky and blessed to have them in my life. But I am having a very hard time dealing with being so lonely... Why can't somebody just like me? Someone... I dont know. I'm out.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Monday, July 23, 2012
Time is running out
Well, I just got done watching "The Woman in Black" with my family and I realized that I hate scary movies and I'm never watching another one ever ever again. I hate them. So, a couple days ago a man named James Holmes went to the midnight premiere of The Dark Knight Rises in Colorado and killed a bunch of people in the middle of the movie. It's really getting to me... just like how Virginia Tech and Columbine (Rachels challenge) got to me as well. I can't really stop thinking about it.. Those people who were innocent and had their lives taken from them. I hope he gets the death penalty. I don't usually believe in that but he deserves to die. People like that will NEVER change. They will never be good. And they don't deserve the chance to become good. He does not deserve to live. A little six year old died. :( It's just so so sad. I pray that nothing like that ever happens here to myself or any of my friends or family. I don't know what I'd do.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
The Perfect Summer Day
I've been in such a weird mood for the last couple days. I think wanderlust is taking over me. I just have this feeling.. and I don't know what can cure it. I really don't. I've just had this feeling of instability... like nothing is set in stone. Because nothing is. I need to be back on a schedule. Last year, I has a secure schedule... and now, I don't have a job or go to school (partly because it's Summer) but still. Gloria's family does everything in the world for me and I want to be able to give back. I mean, yeah, soon it's going to start falling back into place. But I want it to do so now. ): I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of waiting for my life to fall back into place. Tomorrow I am going to figure out my FAFSA stuff as well as call on the Secret Shopper thing. OH and apparently Stara wants me to babysit Ariana. Awesome notice Lol, she texts me this morning to start watching her tomorrow and on. Whatever, it's easy money and I'm going to take advantage of it. I just can't wait for things to start happening again. Soon, very soon.
People keep asking me to hang out. "We gotta hang out soon" yadayadadadaa. I just... why don't I have any motivation to 'hang out' with people? I mean, I'm constantly with Gloria and her family, we're like attached at the hip. But everytime I go out with anyone else, I get weirdly homesick. Even last night, I just felt like coming home because I wanted to be home. And I hate living here. It's just a really weird thing. I don't understand what's happening with me. What is wrong with me? Why am I suddenly so antisocial? Is it laziness? Lack of motivation? I wish I knew the solution. I wish I could go into the future and then go back and tell myself what I don't know now. Like when I read this in the future... hopefully I'll know and have fixed the problem by then. I mean. That'd be good.
Yesterday I worked out at the rec center with Gloria and her family. I was "Deanna" for the day, so I got in free cause they all have memberships. :P Once my FAFSA comes in, I'm going to get a membership as well. :D I think it'd be really good for me. I need to start getting back on track anyway. Losing weight isn't even the biggest deal anymore. I just want to be healthy. To feel healthy. I love feeling like I can run a marathon and be okay. One day I will get better. Anyway, after we worked out we went home and showered. Then made sandwhiches and went to Flagstaff and had a picnic :) Then we went to see The Amazing Spiderman and OMFG fjaguibhuon ai ognRRVBA; IT WAS SO PERFECT. GOD. It was seriously one of the best movies I've ever seen. And on opening night of The Dark Knight Rises, I'm going to go see that too. :D I just love going to the movies :P Helps me escape. Oh and we went to Dennys afterward and had a "family" dinner. It was a pretty great day, it was just so long. Okay, yeah.
People keep asking me to hang out. "We gotta hang out soon" yadayadadadaa. I just... why don't I have any motivation to 'hang out' with people? I mean, I'm constantly with Gloria and her family, we're like attached at the hip. But everytime I go out with anyone else, I get weirdly homesick. Even last night, I just felt like coming home because I wanted to be home. And I hate living here. It's just a really weird thing. I don't understand what's happening with me. What is wrong with me? Why am I suddenly so antisocial? Is it laziness? Lack of motivation? I wish I knew the solution. I wish I could go into the future and then go back and tell myself what I don't know now. Like when I read this in the future... hopefully I'll know and have fixed the problem by then. I mean. That'd be good.
Yesterday I worked out at the rec center with Gloria and her family. I was "Deanna" for the day, so I got in free cause they all have memberships. :P Once my FAFSA comes in, I'm going to get a membership as well. :D I think it'd be really good for me. I need to start getting back on track anyway. Losing weight isn't even the biggest deal anymore. I just want to be healthy. To feel healthy. I love feeling like I can run a marathon and be okay. One day I will get better. Anyway, after we worked out we went home and showered. Then made sandwhiches and went to Flagstaff and had a picnic :) Then we went to see The Amazing Spiderman and OMFG fjaguibhuon ai ognRRVBA; IT WAS SO PERFECT. GOD. It was seriously one of the best movies I've ever seen. And on opening night of The Dark Knight Rises, I'm going to go see that too. :D I just love going to the movies :P Helps me escape. Oh and we went to Dennys afterward and had a "family" dinner. It was a pretty great day, it was just so long. Okay, yeah.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Mid-Summer Crisis
Here we are, July 6th. Halfway through my summer. My last "real" summer. I begin college in mid-August and I am pretty excited. A little nervous though.. I never was good at adjusting to 'change'. And this is for sure a huge change. With each day that passes, I try to ignore all that is to come here soon. Because I don't want to deal with it. Ahhhh, but part of me does. I don't know. I'm slowly getting back on track. Like yesterday I found this book that's overdue two months ): And Gloria turned it in for me. Ugh. I procrastinate a lot. And then yesterday I did my laundry. Now today I've been cleaning and stuff. And blogging. :P I actually think after I'm done here I'm gonna go listen to music and finish cleaning. Tina will be so happy when she gets home to a clean house. That is - if Craig doesn't dirty it all up. Idk, I'm just in a weird mood where I really WANT to be productive, I just have a hard time doing so. :P There's really quite a bit to do. Clean the bathroom, my room, clean my car out, exercise, call Kare Bears, Stara and the Secret Shopper lady chick, Plan for tomorrow (I'm going to Flagstaff with Gloria and her family), and so much more. I gotta figure my shit OUT, yo. Also, I've been wanting to read a couple books as well. So I need to quit wasting my time on tumblr and just go out and get shit done. :P
Ugh, you know what sucks is when you have to pretend to be someones friend? That is being two faced, yes. And it's a fucking stupid thing, yes. And I shouldn't do it... but it's so hard in the situation I'm in. Nicole has been my best friend for 3 years.. we've seriously spent so much time together and just have the greatest time together. But even now, the second I leave the room - she trashes me. And I'm so tired of it. I'm trying really hard to be a good friend to her. To give her advice and to be there for her when she really needs it. Like for the fact that she's moving to Texas in like 3 weeks... I'm trying to help her cope through it. When in reality... I shouldn't. I should not be a good friend to her. But I am. Why? Idk. Like, Blake Wilson, my friend from Australia. She added him on facebook and supposedly likes him now and told him a bunch of crap about me. About how I pretend to be nice on the internet but in real life, I'm really mean. And that I like a bunch of guys (pretty much calling me a whore). It's like. WHY. Why do you do this? Here I am, trying so hard to be a good friend to you, to not talk about you behind your back... and this. Did she really think Blake wouldn't tell me? Or Gloria? Because she confessed all of this to Gloria as well. Blake is my friend. And Gloria is my best friend. They both care a lot about me, as do I, them. Of course they're going to tell me. And not to start shit; but to warn me. To warn me not to get ahead of myself thinking things could ever possibly change. I don't think there is anything wrong with talking to people and getting to know them. Yeah, I do talk to quite a few boys. But they are my FRIENDS. I don't talk dirty with them and I rarely flirt. Shit, I don't even know how to flirt. I'm awkward. I just... I just want to give people a chance. Get to know them - see what they're all about. I just don't think hypocrisy is the right way to get what you want. Just a thought. Idk, I haven't had much drama lately so I felt I had to get this out and just vent.. cause it's really upsetting me. And then she asks if I'm mad at her and what am I supposed to say? I'm not even "mad" at her. I'm disappointed that after all we've been through together, that we can't just have a good, healthy friendship. Why does everyone have to talk about each other? Do we have nothing better to do? Cause I know Gloria and I talk about Harry Potter and Mormonism more than anything LOL we don't waste our time shit talking all of our 'friends'. Because that's not the right thing to do. The right thing is to be honest and faithful to your word. And I am definitely not being honest with Nicole, because she has no idea I even know. Do you know how hard it is to be friends with someone and pretend you DON'T know what they're saying about you? To YOUR friends? It's really difficult. Gloria and my mom both told me I should confront her.. but I don't want to. I don't want the drama. Even if I did it nicely, she'd get all pissed off and defensive and then tell the entire planet about the argument and turn it around on me to make me look like this drama-obsessed psycho bitch slut whore. So no. I'd rather not. I prefer to pretend I don't know and keep the peace.
So pathetic.
Ugh, you know what sucks is when you have to pretend to be someones friend? That is being two faced, yes. And it's a fucking stupid thing, yes. And I shouldn't do it... but it's so hard in the situation I'm in. Nicole has been my best friend for 3 years.. we've seriously spent so much time together and just have the greatest time together. But even now, the second I leave the room - she trashes me. And I'm so tired of it. I'm trying really hard to be a good friend to her. To give her advice and to be there for her when she really needs it. Like for the fact that she's moving to Texas in like 3 weeks... I'm trying to help her cope through it. When in reality... I shouldn't. I should not be a good friend to her. But I am. Why? Idk. Like, Blake Wilson, my friend from Australia. She added him on facebook and supposedly likes him now and told him a bunch of crap about me. About how I pretend to be nice on the internet but in real life, I'm really mean. And that I like a bunch of guys (pretty much calling me a whore). It's like. WHY. Why do you do this? Here I am, trying so hard to be a good friend to you, to not talk about you behind your back... and this. Did she really think Blake wouldn't tell me? Or Gloria? Because she confessed all of this to Gloria as well. Blake is my friend. And Gloria is my best friend. They both care a lot about me, as do I, them. Of course they're going to tell me. And not to start shit; but to warn me. To warn me not to get ahead of myself thinking things could ever possibly change. I don't think there is anything wrong with talking to people and getting to know them. Yeah, I do talk to quite a few boys. But they are my FRIENDS. I don't talk dirty with them and I rarely flirt. Shit, I don't even know how to flirt. I'm awkward. I just... I just want to give people a chance. Get to know them - see what they're all about. I just don't think hypocrisy is the right way to get what you want. Just a thought. Idk, I haven't had much drama lately so I felt I had to get this out and just vent.. cause it's really upsetting me. And then she asks if I'm mad at her and what am I supposed to say? I'm not even "mad" at her. I'm disappointed that after all we've been through together, that we can't just have a good, healthy friendship. Why does everyone have to talk about each other? Do we have nothing better to do? Cause I know Gloria and I talk about Harry Potter and Mormonism more than anything LOL we don't waste our time shit talking all of our 'friends'. Because that's not the right thing to do. The right thing is to be honest and faithful to your word. And I am definitely not being honest with Nicole, because she has no idea I even know. Do you know how hard it is to be friends with someone and pretend you DON'T know what they're saying about you? To YOUR friends? It's really difficult. Gloria and my mom both told me I should confront her.. but I don't want to. I don't want the drama. Even if I did it nicely, she'd get all pissed off and defensive and then tell the entire planet about the argument and turn it around on me to make me look like this drama-obsessed psycho bitch slut whore. So no. I'd rather not. I prefer to pretend I don't know and keep the peace.
So pathetic.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Confessions of a Fucking Dumb Ass
A quarter of the way through summer and I have done nothing. Well, a few things here and there but nothing at all too special. It was weird, I actually spent the last few days at lacey's house hanging out with her. It was surprisingly refreshing and enjoyable :) I really felt like we connected our friendship together again. It almost felt like we had never stopped being friends. I loved it. :) We just made silly videos and took lots of pictures in her room and in her pool :P We also planned that on Nicole's 18th birthday we are all gonna go clubbing at Club Afterlife again! Since Nicole and Lacey woulda just turned 18! It's gonna be good.
So, I need to stop being so stupid. Like... I'll have something good. A friendship or a potential relationship. And then I'll just do stupid shit that fucks it all up. Like, and then they don't even listen to you when you try to talk to them and fix it. Stupid. Idk, that's just like my thought of the day. STOP BEING SO DAMN STUPID, KATI. JUST STOP IT. Yep,
I can't stop listening to the Black Keys. I love them. I love love love love them. THEY WANNA GET MAAAAHHH GOLD ON THE CEILINGGGG. Haha, ugh, I wanna go to bullhead. I miss my brother. And I really want to see Rocky again. His phone is off right now but we've been talking again... he forgave me for that stupid thing I did last Spring Break (How cliche) and it's been good. But... idk, he just lives 4 hours away so it'd never really work out. And no way would I ever move to Bullhead LOLOLOL get out. Hm. Well, yeah. It's nice to be brunette again. Although, it's more of a dark.. brunette lol :P
OMG! I forgot to mentionnnn! Gavin Bonkowski? That guy I met at the club a couple weeks ago? Yeah, he actually requested me on facebook and messaged me! And now we text! It's great. He's a really nice guy and I'd like to hang out with him again next time I go to Phoenix (; Should be gooooood.
Yup and I'm picking Jimmy up once he gets off work and we're gonna go out to Verde Lakes and watch the last three Harry Potter's. :) And I'm spending the night at his house! Ah, I'm so excited. It's gonna be fuuuuun. ((:
So, I need to stop being so stupid. Like... I'll have something good. A friendship or a potential relationship. And then I'll just do stupid shit that fucks it all up. Like, and then they don't even listen to you when you try to talk to them and fix it. Stupid. Idk, that's just like my thought of the day. STOP BEING SO DAMN STUPID, KATI. JUST STOP IT. Yep,
I can't stop listening to the Black Keys. I love them. I love love love love them. THEY WANNA GET MAAAAHHH GOLD ON THE CEILINGGGG. Haha, ugh, I wanna go to bullhead. I miss my brother. And I really want to see Rocky again. His phone is off right now but we've been talking again... he forgave me for that stupid thing I did last Spring Break (How cliche) and it's been good. But... idk, he just lives 4 hours away so it'd never really work out. And no way would I ever move to Bullhead LOLOLOL get out. Hm. Well, yeah. It's nice to be brunette again. Although, it's more of a dark.. brunette lol :P
OMG! I forgot to mentionnnn! Gavin Bonkowski? That guy I met at the club a couple weeks ago? Yeah, he actually requested me on facebook and messaged me! And now we text! It's great. He's a really nice guy and I'd like to hang out with him again next time I go to Phoenix (; Should be gooooood.
Yup and I'm picking Jimmy up once he gets off work and we're gonna go out to Verde Lakes and watch the last three Harry Potter's. :) And I'm spending the night at his house! Ah, I'm so excited. It's gonna be fuuuuun. ((:
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Graduation
Today is June 3, 2012. So, obviously a little over a week ago, I graduated from High School. It was such a surreal experience. The day before, we had Graduation Practice and I got a gnarly sunburn. So...that kind of sucked. I was all tomato-licious for my Graduation day. Yaaaaay. Basically, the morning of graduation, I watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban with Gloria. Then I went home and showered and everything. Well, at my mom's house. :P My Aunt Flo and Uncle Gene came into town for Memorial day and my graduation so that was really cool. And I got sooo much money for graduation! Well, I mean, to ME it was a lot. :P I don't know how much all together lol. It was nice though. John and I walked together :) and we were in the very front, so we were in like, all of the pictures! It was really cool. I didn't cry during Graduation.. I feel like I was just floating along the entire night. It was odd. I still haven't cried at all. I guess it just really hasn't hit me yet. 
And for some weird reason, I am NOT looking forward to going to Yavapai. Or for working. I just wish I could travel. Idk. I know I can't. But that's the only thing I want to do. But I will obviously never make anything of myself if all I do is sit around and wish to be somewhere else. I need to get up and get out and MAKE it happen!
Meh. So last week, Gloria flew to Seattle. Since she and I have spent every waking moment together for the past three months, I've been having a really hard time without her. She comes back this weekend but ughhh it just seems so far away. She mah best friend :( We even started our Harry Potter marathon that we've been trying to do and we've watched all but the last two Deathly Hallows meeeehhhhhhh. She just needs to freaking come back so I can enjoy life again. It's freakin ridiculous how much I miss her. Poop. I've just been hanging out with Cheyenne, James, Jackie and John a lot lately. I've been just go go go. Last night, John, Jackie and I went to Club Afterlife in Scottsdale. I drove John's moms car. :P It was kinda scary cause I've never driven in Phoenix before but it was something I had to experience. I'll never learn until I just do it! So, yeah ((: The club was a lot of fun. The dancing was a little crazy for my taste but I think next time I go, I'll just drink a little before I go in and that'll loosen me up a little bit haha. :p Idk, or not. Whatever. I danced with a couple guys, all of which were icky. Except one who was totally hot but then tried to get me to dance on the table haha I was like No thankssss. lol, But I totally met my soulmate there. 
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