January 27th, 2013
Wow, it's been about 7 months since I've last updated. Mostly because I've been incredibly busy lately but also because my laptop shitted out on me a few months ago and I had to buy a new one. Anyway, on August 3rd, 2012 I got hired as a Preschool Teacher at Kare Bears daycare in Cottonwood. :) I've worked there for about 6 months and I feel like I love it but at the same time I fcking hate it. Hahah. No joke, I never ever thought working with 3-4 year olds would be so difficult and physically/emotionally draining. I'm not really sure where that is going, but I sorta wanna stick with it because I just recently got a 25 cent raise and I got a college scholarship through there and Idk there's just a lot of opportunity for me through there. So. Yeah.
I've spent almost every day since October with Lacey. Partly because she also works at Kare Bears and I drive her home every night, but also because she and Dakota broke up. She's been having difficulty with the break up but Danny Ritter (her ex from a few years back) has been there for her and has been a great friend to both of us. Us three pretty much spend every weekend together. It's nice. They're really great friends and I hope to never lose them.
Lately I've been getting REALLY down on myself for being so lonely. I'm just fucking sick of this. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of being pissed off all the time and angry and intimidating and just fucking stupid. I'm so emotional tonight and I just can't figure out why and maybe that's why I decided I needed to somehow vent and let it all out but I just can't stop crying at the moment and I just want to curl up in a ball and be alone forever. At this moment, I feel completely hopeless. I haven't had a boyfriend in almost three years and even THAT relationship was fucking stupid and only lasted barely a week. Before that, it was Zach Snow. FRESHMAN YEAR. Fucking over 5 years ago. Idek why I'm being so vulgar and angry but I'm so sad tonight and I can't figure out why...this is how I've felt for 3 years. Why is it all of a sudden hurting me so badly? Maybe because it's not the fact that I "liked" a guy so mch...but that I was so close to finally having somebody..the HOPE is what killed me. Being so hopeful and just... happy. Wanting it to work out so badly but of course it fucking all up. I repel guys and I loathe myself for it. I'm disgusting. And I shouldn't have to want to change who I am to get someone to like me... I'm just so lost. I don't know what to do. I hate my job, half the time I'm unhappy with my friendships, my car is taking a SHIT on me, I'm fucking ALONE, I fight with my family all the time.... where is the positive? WHERE? Because I can't fucking find any. Yeah, I'm alive. And yes my family is alive and healthy and that is wonderful and I am so lucky and blessed to have them in my life. But I am having a very hard time dealing with being so lonely... Why can't somebody just like me? Someone... I dont know. I'm out.
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